Sunday, April 17, 2011

Curse or Blessing?

Those who know us, know that we've struggled with the big "I". Yep, Infertility.  I don't talk about it much and I really haven't blogged about it, but I am feeling like I need to do so. This is all from my perspective, as a woman who has struggled with conceiving biological children. 
The reason for this post? Maybe I just need to vent. Maybe if I write it down, I can let it go. Maybe it will be therapeutic.  Maybe.

We have five beautiful children. Each of whom brings something completely unique to our family and each of whom are choice spirits. I know they are my children. I know that each of them are supposed to be part of our family.  I had a conversation with a friend and we talked about that very statement. We both know that our kids are our kids. But, to say they were always meant to be with us is a hard thing to think about. For them to be with us, they had to endure so much pain and face their own trials as their biological parents made the choices that they did. We did not adopt them from birth, they came to us through the foster care system. 

They were abused children, both physically and mentally. Why would a loving Heavenly Father have them endure all of that to end up with us, their forever parents?  I wish I had an adequate answer for that. I don't know. Sometimes I question it. Why not just send them to US to begin with?! Why not skip all of that  pain?
For now, only our Father in Heaven knows that. I know that Cary and I were prepared for them, somewhat. I know Heavenly Father put us in place so that they could come to us.  They have helped to make us, a family.

Lately, for some reason, women have felt the need to remind me of the fact that I've never had to change dirty diapers, I've never had to get up at 1am for feedings, I've never had to worry about spit up on my favorite blouse. And, not only is the reminder that I've never experienced these things, but that I should be thankful that I haven't.

I smile my half smile, nod my head in agreement, and give a chuckle
 The thing that they don't realize is that I want to experience 1 am feedings. I want to have a shirt ruined by spit-up. I want Cary to experience the dirty diapers. hehe :)
I haven't experienced those things yet, but I hope to. 

I love my kids. They are sealed to me. For All Eternity.
And, most days I'm grateful for that. :)
Buuuuut, I don't believe that my family is complete yet.
I think that we have another little spirit or two out there who is meant to be part of us. I know, most of you think that is a ridiculous statement considering we have 5 already. 
But, that's what I feel. 
I hope I'm right. 
I hope that we get to experience everything.

If not,  we'll be okay.  We have each other. We have five of the most adorable children on the face of the planet. and we have the knowledge that we are a forever family. 
But, please, don't remind me of how lucky I am. :)


Tricia said...

manda, love your post! I'd love to chat about this sometime... I've spent about 24 years wondering about these issues...

Amy C. said...

Have goosebumps ... I think more children would be very lucky to have you as a mom. Thanks for the reminder of how blessed we are to be mom's. I love mine too!