Sunday, October 24, 2010

One Year...

Today has been both good and bad, hard and easy, sad and happy.
One year ago today ( actually the 25th of October, but it was on Sunday) my world was turned upside down and inside out. I remember that day vividly. Each detail is as plain today as it was that day last year. Painful memories that keep flooding back and washing over me, enveloping me in a sadness that few know.
My dad passed away so suddenly, so unexpectedly, that I get angry sometimes. More times than not I am angry with myself for not doing things differently. So many things would I change, had I the chance to do so.
I don't think I have been angry with Heavenly Father once throughout this time, but I have questioned Him. Repeatedly. I think I catch a glimmer of how He feels with me when my kids repeatedly ask me a question to which they do not like the answer that has been given them. I have accepted that I won't know the answer to my questions in this life, on this side of the veil. But, holy cow, I will be asking on that side of the veil!
Today is a gloomy, rainy, cold day---which I love. It's very fitting of my feelings today as well.
 As I cry talk to Cary, I realize that I don't want to remember the hurt and the pain as much as I do the amazing Daddy-Daughter moments that my Dad and I shared throughout my life. Although I miss him with every inch of my being, I am grateful that he is no longer in any pain. He's no longer lonely or battling his issues in this earthly realm. He is with his family that he loves.He is loving me from that side of the veil, and although I can not see him---I will try with all that I have to feel that love I will make sure that my kids know that love and remember him. We will honor him and love him and we will see him again.
My darling, wonderful husband has been getting everything in order, without me knowing, to have my Dad's ordinances done. He has known how important that is to me, and he has put it together for me.
My husband is amazing.
He is my rock.
So, in the spirit of remembering the good times, I'm compiling a list of the awesome memories that I have of my Dad. I will write it as though I'm speaking to my Dad. I think he can hear me.
  • Fishing on the banks of Lake Hamilton. Me talking incessantly while you patiently remind me that the fish don't nibble if we are noisy. Cutting my line OUT of the tree for the18th time while I try to FREE the worms!
  • Working on cars with you in the garage. Love, Love, Love helping you fix those cars. I didn't have a clue what I was doing, but you taught me which tools were which and how to use them.
  • Reading books together on my bed at bedtime when I was little. I loved listening to you make the different voices. One of my favorite pictures of us is when you were reading the angel book to me in my raggedy anne sheets and blanket. 
  • Listening to you tell stories. I love the animation and twinkle in your eye when you are telling someone a story, even if it was for the 193284th time. 
  • Sitting on our back deck at night in the Summer time. I can still hear those bullfrogs talking and the ducks talking.
  • Hunting during Thanksgiving Break. Probably some of the coldest times I can remember. All the while we were cuddled around a fire in the middle of the woods. 
  • 4th of July. Amazing times. I remember the bottle rocket and roman candle wars. It's all fun until someone gets their eyelashes burned off!!
  • Your Cooking. Sometimes you made some crazy dishes, but I love your cooking and watching you grill. I love sitting on the back deck, talking with you, while "we" grilled together.
  • Watching you with my girls. I love how much they love you. I love how much you love them. Playing in the snow or squirting you with the hose. They love their Poppie. I love My Dad.
These are but a few of the memories that I carry with me each day. They help, albeit a little,ease the pain and sadness.
Abide with me; ’tis eventide,
And lone will be the night
If I cannot commune with thee
Nor find in thee my light. 

Dad, I love you dearly. I miss you.
More than their are words. 


Dawna said...

What a sweet, tender post. What great memories you have of your father. What a great reunion you will have one day on the other side. I have no doubt that he is smiling down upon you and your cute family at this very moment. Hugs my dear friend :)

Kristina P. said...

I have another friend who lost her dad unexpectedly, right around this time too. And she's had a really difficult time too.

I think this is a great way to remember and memorialize your dad.