Sadness

I have been trying to summon the courage to write this post for a few days now. I feel like writing is my outlet and most of the time it helps me to feel better. I am hoping this is one of those times.
We have been really blessed the past couple of weeks. We have been able to adopt, bless our girls with their new names, and seal them to us for time and eternity.

This past weekend, however, my life came to a screeching halt as it turned upside down and inside out.
We had court on Thursday for our foster children. I'm not able to discuss what happened there, but I can say that we have to wait a while to find anything more out about the case.

My dad was watching the kids for me. He took them all to jiu jitsu class, for the boys, and I picked them up from him there. I was upset with him for some stupid reasons and that was the last time I saw my Dad. I growled him and that will haunt me for the rest of this life I'm afraid. I did, however, call him later and apologize for losing my temper and told him a couple of times how much I loved him. That, I hope, will bring me some comfort one day. He was only trying to help me out, which I did realize. He always did that, always tried to help me. Always finding a way to aggravate me, always loving me.
Sunday I had a nagging feeling that something was wrong. I called him several times and nothing. I finally summoned the courage to go over to his place to make sure he was OK. I knocked. nothing. I called. nothing. I could hear his phone ringing, it was eerie. I banged on the door again. I called out his name. Nothing.
I knew something was wrong. The door was dead bolted and I couldn't get in. I called Cary and started crying. I knew.
Cary is my rock. Cary is one of the most amazing people I have ever known in my life. He told me to come home and stay with the kids and he would check on things there. He took a wad of keys and some screwdrivers, just in case. He got there and went to the door. I think he said a little prayer and reached into his pocket and pulled out a key. The Key. He put it in the lock and *click*, it opened. He walked up the stairs and found my dad lying peacefully on his bed. He tried to wake him, but couldn't. He called 911 and the officers and ambulance came right away. Cary also called Mum and Dad and they came straight over. I knew as soon as they got here that the worst thing I had feared had come true. I knew Cary would call them to help me through this. He was stuck there with the officers and couldn't come home.
I hid in my room. Crying, praying, pleading, it was too much to bear.
Cary was finally able to come home and we just held each other, sobbing. The rest has kind of been a blur. I wish I could say I have been stoic! a pillar of strength! That would be Cary. He has handled everything beautifully. He has held me, loved me, allowed me to just sit and cry. He has been there for our kids.

The medical examiner did an autopsy and determined that my dad passed away of a heart attack in his sleep. He went peacefully with no pain. A gentle mercy of our Heavenly Father.

My boys have strengthened me. The girls have made me laugh. Bug prays that her Poppie will come back from Heaven. I will make sure that she never forgets him or how much he loves her. I will make sure of that with all of my kids.
I have lost so much, and so have they.
My Dad was not a member of my church. However, I think after he catches up with all of his loved ones, he will find *his* missionaries. We will do his temple work and one day I will be sealed to him. Families can be together Forever through Heavenly Father's plan. I know this is true. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. He loves my dad.
He took him home, so that he won't suffer anymore in this mortal existence. My dad is surrounded by loved ones now and I hope he can feel my love too. I believe he can.

We are trying to sort everything out now. I should say that Cary is doing mostly all of it. My dad left no will, no insurance policy, we weren't prepared for this.

We will get through this. I don't know how right now, but I know Heavenly Father will help us.
I have a testimony. I know I will see my Dad again. I believe in the Plan of Salvation. I love my Dad. I love my Cary. I love my children. I love my family. I am grateful for an amazing ward and an equally amazing Bishopric. Especially Steve Anderton, a faithful servant of Heavenly Father.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.